*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
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Wise advice
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Get in loser we’re going crying
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I am patiently waiting for your email