inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
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New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
He’s dead
Am getting real tired of your crap…
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps