Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
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First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.