Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT