Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
You Might Also Like
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.