to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
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After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
The options really are this bad
[loses house key, starts a new life]
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry