I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
He’s cranky this morning
