Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”