Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
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*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected