
Quick! What’s protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?
Quick! What’s protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?
I’m a wealth of knowledge
Unless you want it to be true
Then I’m pretty solid on about 6 topics
2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
You’re nice, cute & single?
Can you introduce me to your friend who looks like he’d never return my texts? Yeah the one with the girlfriend.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!
911: Be cool
Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead
Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Me: Ok
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
Me: Wa…what?
Brain: Owned
He: How are you?
Me: Thanks, but I’m too old for you
He: I was going to ask about your wireless prov…
Me: Just keep telling yourself that
This salad tastes like I’m about done with my New Year’s Resolution.
*boss walks in
Me: I lost my contact
Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk?
Me:
Boss:
Me: Shut the door when you leave
He said we needed to talk so I screamed ‘Who are you & what are you doing in my house?’
Long story short, it was his house & his wife is mad
Me: Let’s have a fight with that guy you like
Brain: That’s not a good idea, he might actually like y…
Me: GOOD IDEA! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!