Quick! What’s protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?
I’m a wealth of knowledge
Unless you want it to be true
Then I’m pretty solid on about 6 topics
2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
You’re nice, cute & single?
Can you introduce me to your friend who looks like he’d never return my texts? Yeah the one with the girlfriend.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?!
911: Be cool
Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead
Brain: HEY 2am let’s think about Greg
Brain: He saw you scratching your nose today & thinks you picked it
He: How are you?
Me: Thanks, but I’m too old for you
He: I was going to ask about your wireless prov…
Me: Just keep telling yourself that
This salad tastes like I’m about done with my New Year’s Resolution.
*boss walks in
Me: I lost my contact
Boss: Why are you naked & why is Greg under your desk?
Me: Shut the door when you leave
He said we needed to talk so I screamed ‘Who are you & what are you doing in my house?’
Long story short, it was his house & his wife is mad
Me: Let’s have a fight with that guy you like
Brain: That’s not a good idea, he might actually like y…
Me: GOOD IDEA! WE ATTACK AT DAWN!