Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
yes, those are my real potatoes.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I don’t think my car can fly
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.