Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
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Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around