[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
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me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.