You Might Also Like
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.