always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
You Might Also Like
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
mechanics be like
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?