“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Rather alarming headline…
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”