@Social_Mime

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

@Social_Mime

What the hell did you order?

– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving

@Social_Mime

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

@Social_Mime

I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.

@Social_Mime

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

@Social_Mime

Cellphone battery in 2017 – 2.5 hours
Radio battery on Gilligan’s Island in the 1960’s – 3 years