@Social_Mime I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
@Social_Mime 
@Social_Mime I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
@Social_Mime Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
@Social_Mime Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
@Social_Mime I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
@Social_Mime Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
@Social_Mime Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
@Social_Mime My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
@Social_Mime Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
@Social_Mime This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”