@Social_Mime

I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

@Social_Mime

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

@Social_Mime

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

@Social_Mime

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

@Social_Mime

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

@Social_Mime

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

@Social_Mime

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

@Social_Mime

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

@Social_Mime

This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”