@Social_Mime: My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

@Social_Mime: Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

@Social_Mime: Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I'm wrong.

@Social_Mime: Either the guy in the waiting room just sneezed or was shot four times by invisible bullets.

@Social_Mime: If you tell someone "nice shirt" and they don't look down at it you're talking to a robot.

@Social_Mime: My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I'm planning a spontaneous road trip that day.

@Social_Mime: Remember when we wished we could read people's minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

@Social_Mime: Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

@Social_Mime: Saying "You first" when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.