Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
People buying plungers never look happy.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?