I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
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When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am