I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
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Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you