adam and eve had first world problems
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I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar