You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred