I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.