It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.