[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
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[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Cow it started Cow it’s going
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.