Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors