Aries: The pain in your back is your skeleton trying to get away from the most annoying person in the world.
Aries: Maybe you don’t understand what you’re doing with your life, but you’re not alone. No one else understands what you’re doing with your life, either.
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.