Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.