ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”

AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad

ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big


1. Wear a black shirt

2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.

3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume


ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee

BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*


HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people

ME: way ahead of you



[takes tylenol and goes about the day]


[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim


Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach


PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you


POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn


ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool


You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”


Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups