@SortaBad: My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the 'Silver Table Cat' wasn't a real species, and that we didn't own a pet, we owned a toaster
@SortaBad: *slaps the cup out of the barista's hand*
"No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy"
@SortaBad: Sorry I can't come to your thing tonight, I'm too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can't come to your thing next week
@SortaBad: I've been informed by TSA that my man-bun is not allowed on the plane. They fear a riot from horny women clamoring to sit next to me
@SortaBad: My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I'm 1 million percent sure this is Adele's fault
@SortaBad: *loses faith in humanity*
"this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships"
@SortaBad: Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it'd be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
@SortaBad: "Click to read this man's secret to incredible 6 pack abs!"
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed