@SortaBad

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

@SortaBad

If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room

@SortaBad

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

@SortaBad

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

@SortaBad

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

@SortaBad

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

@SortaBad

[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

@SortaBad

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

@SortaBad

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

@SortaBad

Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week