Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of SortaBad's best tweets

@SortaBad : Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she's 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

@SortaBad: I'm sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

@SortaBad: [sees crush]
Oh you're going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

@SortaBad: My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the 'Silver Table Cat' wasn't a real species, and that we didn't own a pet, we owned a toaster

@SortaBad: *slaps the cup out of the barista's hand*
"No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy"

@SortaBad: Sorry I can't come to your thing tonight, I'm too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can't come to your thing next week

@SortaBad: [meets a cute girl from Scotland]
"Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape"

@SortaBad: I've been informed by TSA that my man-bun is not allowed on the plane. They fear a riot from horny women clamoring to sit next to me

@SortaBad: My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I'm 1 million percent sure this is Adele's fault

@SortaBad: *loses faith in humanity*
"this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships"