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@SortaBad : The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
@SortaBad: Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
@SortaBad: Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the 'meow' in homeowner
@SortaBad: ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN'T
@SortaBad: Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don't know how to say this...
Me: Don't be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
@SortaBad: "So it's agreed? If we're both single at age 40 we're doing this?"
Yes. If we're alone at 40, we're getting matching racecar beds
@SortaBad: When ur friends with white people
@SortaBad: Interviewer: Why do you think you'd make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you...waiting?
Interviewer: holy shit
@SortaBad: Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
@SortaBad: [opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
"I'm gonna be real with you Karen if there's more birds in this box I'm leaving you"