“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.