90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Welcome to Twitter.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.