I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.