@SoulYodeler

Omg I’m so thirsty-

*Kool-Aid Man busts through wall* OH YEAHH

*Sugar-free zero calorie Kool-Aid Man jiggles door handle* LITTLE HELP HERE

@SoulYodeler

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

@SoulYodeler

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

@SoulYodeler

The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.

@SoulYodeler

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

@SoulYodeler

I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.

@SoulYodeler

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

@SoulYodeler

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

@SoulYodeler

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE