Omg I’m so thirsty-
*Kool-Aid Man busts through wall* OH YEAHH
*Sugar-free zero calorie Kool-Aid Man jiggles door handle* LITTLE HELP HERE
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE