As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
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Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
dictator is short for richard potato
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Meow
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow