My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
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Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
when someone rings the doorbell
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.