I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
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I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly