When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.