Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”