Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”