employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
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My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
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