I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”