imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
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I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Digital security in Ancient Troy
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed