I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
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Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar