[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
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Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?