Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.