As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
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Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.