Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
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My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
They’re not wrong