Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
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me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
cat faces on other animals, a thread
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15