I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
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BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
quarantine day 3
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Mistakes were made
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.